<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>heaven can't help me now by Ravens_World</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29275410">heaven can't help me now</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravens_World/pseuds/Ravens_World'>Ravens_World</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Buddie being Buddie, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Getting Together, M/M, Speculation, The Buckley Siblings are the Best Siblings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:36:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,727</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29275410</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravens_World/pseuds/Ravens_World</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>You can't keep a secret forever, Maddie figures that out the hard way. 4x04/4x05 Speculation.</i><br/>  </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>430</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello, all!<br/>This fic was supposed to be 1) 7K words shorter 2)posted no later than 2 days after the episode aired and 3) make sense.</p><p>I haven't managed to achieve the first 2, I hope I did manage the third.</p><p>TWs and Warnings are in the end notes, please heed them.</p><p>Last thing, I don't like the Buckley Parents at all, so this isn't a very nice take on them. It may be a tad too much, but this is the best I could do before I actually see them on screen.</p><p>Happy Reading! 🖤</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Why is he being nice to me?" </p><p>Eddie huffed. "What?"</p><p>Buck pointed at Chimney. "Why is Chimney being nice to me?"</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes. "You know, Buck, people can be nice to you for no reason."</p><p>"Not in <em>my</em> experience," he muttered and ignored the deadpanned look he recieved from Eddie.</p><p>"Just enjoy it, man, and stop overthinking."</p><p>The minute Chimney sat on the table, opposite Buck, he blurted out, "why are you being nice to me?", completely ignoring Eddie's advice.</p><p>Chimney spluttered. "I'm always nice."</p><p>Buck's mouth hung open, and he blinked at him incredulously.</p><p>"I think you broke him, Chim," Eddie commented with a laugh. </p><p>"I can be nice to you," Chimney protested.</p><p>"You can, but most of the time, you <em>choose</em> not to be. This-" Buck lifted up the coffee mug in the air, "-is weird."</p><p>Chimney rolled his eyes. "I just made you coffee, what's weird about that?"</p><p>"Maybe the fact that you usually steal my coffee, not <em>make it</em> for me?"</p><p>"Well, I-"</p><p>The alarm blared, cutting him off and Buck pointed a finger at him. "I'm onto you."</p><p>The day continued to get weirder after that. Chimney never, not once in their sixteen hour shift, teased him. Buck had made a fool of himself on a call that involved a mudslide and a cat, and there was not a hint of teasing remark. Then he'd invited him over for dinner.</p><p>After a sixteen hour shift.</p><p>Buck was seconds away from dragging him to the hospital.</p><p>"Have you hit your head recently? Have you experienced any other changes in personality? Have-"</p><p>"Buck, stop," Chimney laughed. "Maddie told me to invite you because she missed you and-" here he took a deep breath, "there's something she wants to talk to you about, that's it."</p><p>"Is she okay? Is the baby okay?"</p><p>"They're fine. Relax."</p><p>"Okay. You're sure they're fine?"</p><p>"Yes, I'm sure they're fine, Buck."</p><p>.</p><p>The dinner was great, and though Maddie and Chimney were a bit too attentive, Buck found himself relaxing and having a good time. </p><p>They were sitting in the living room, drinking orange juice and discussing a 911 call Maddie had gotten today, when his sister and Chimney exchanged looks and Chimney squeezed her shoulder before he got up and wordlessly left the room. Buck frowned, and when he turned to Maddie, he found her reaching down. "Mads-?"</p><p>She waved him off when she saw him standing, then straightened up and patted the space beside her. Buck immediately went over.</p><p>"I found these in a box I hadn't opened in a long time," she told him quietly. "You were such a cute kid."</p><p>Buck smiled and leaned his head on her shoulder. They were silent for a few seconds as Maddie flipped through the pictures. But then there was the photo of the time Buck had played with the neighbor's dog and ended up with grass stains and dirt all over. </p><p>Maddie laughed. "I remember this! Oh man, giving you a bath that day was hell. Do you remember?"</p><p>Buck smiled. "Not really. I don't remember a lot of things from my childhood, you know?"</p><p>Maddie sighed sadly. "That can be a blessing sometimes," she told him, somewhat wistful.</p><p>"With the parents that we got, I think it was."</p><p>Maddie sniffled and Buck put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his side. </p><p>"You okay?" </p><p>"I'm fine." She looked down at the next picture and pointed at it. "This is my favorite picture of us." She told him, smiling fondly.</p><p>He didn't really remember the picture, but it was a really good one. They were in a diner, he was sitting at the table while Maddie had her arms wrapped around him from behind. The picture captured the moment just as he was about to blow out the six candles on the small, duck-shaped cake that was in front of him. "My birthday?" </p><p>Maddie nodded. "Your sixth."</p><p>"You're the best, you know that?"</p><p>Maddie looked at him with furrowed brows. "What?"</p><p>"I don't think I would've survived them without you. I don't think I would've been the person I am right now if I hadn't had you close."</p><p>"I don't think I should get that much credit." Maddie looked away, but not before Buck saw a tear fall down her cheek. "You said it yourself, I left you."</p><p>"Maddie-" he gently, but insistently, poked her in the shoulder until she turned to him. "You did leave me. And it did hurt. But, before that, you were there. <em>Always</em>. Moments like these," he tapped the picture, "<em>matter</em>. They never cared about birthdays or, anything really. Having you there made all the difference. And just so you know, this little girl will be lucky to have you as her mom." </p><p>Maddie's lips trembled, and seconds later, he found himself engulfed in one of Maddie's bear hugs. He relaxed into it, but then he remembered something. "Hey, Chimney said you needed to talk to me about something?"</p><p>She stiffened, and when he pulled away, she was white as a sheet and she honestly looked seconds away from throwing up. "Maddie, are you okay?!"</p><p>"I'm- I'm okay. Yeah, uh- I do need to talk to you." She rubbed her hand on her belly and opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, but nothing came out. She took a deep breath. "You- I- would you like to be your niece's godfather?"</p><p>Buck didn't hesitate. "Yes! Yeah, of course, I'd love to be!" He smiled, and hugged her gently, but pulled away when he heard a crash come from the bedroom. </p><p>"Sorry!" They heard Chimney call out. Buck laughed, but Maddie only smiled faintly. She didn't look good at all.</p><p>"Are you sure you're okay?"</p><p>"Just a little tired," she assured him, squeezing his hand. </p><p>He got up. "Get some rest, then, sis." Buck leaned down to hug her, and to his surprise, she hugged him tighter, and longer, than she normally did. He didn't mind, but it did worry him. </p><p>When he eventually pulled away, he called out, "Chim, I'm leaving!"</p><p>His friend came out of the bedroom. "Leaving so soon?" </p><p>"Mads isn't feeling so good, plus I should head home and get some sleeep."</p><p>"Yeah." Chimney squeezed his shoulder, and there was something in his eyes that told Buck something was seriously wrong, but he chose to not pry. </p><p>"Goodnight, you two."</p><p>"Goodnight," Chimney responded.</p><p>Maddie smiled, leaning into her boyfriend. "Drive safe. And let me know when you get home."</p><p>Buck smiled back, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. "I will."</p><p>.</p><p>
  <em>When Maddie was nine years old, her parents came home with a baby boy in a carrier. He had golden hair, and blue eyes and he looked just like her mom. When she voiced her thoughts, her mother burst into tears and her father, who had been holding the baby carrier, put it down and ran after her mother. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Cautiously, she'd walked closer to where the baby was, and peered down at him. She smiled, and he smiled back, lopsided and adorable.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She loved him instantly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>To her utter disappointment, she didn't get to see much of Evan for the first year of his life. Her parents put him in a daycare facility, and he spent maybe half the day there. And when he was at home, the nanny took care of him, and didn't allow Maddie to help with anything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie had always been smart, and curious, and that had led to a lot of questions that her parents ignored. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why wasn't Evan in her mom's belly before he came home? Why didn't her dad ever hold Evan? Why didn't her mom?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And why did they act like he wasn't there at all?</em>
</p><p>.</p><p>"Mom, you guys have to come here, you have to talk to him. I can't- he's <em>hurting</em>. And I can't keep lying to him."</p><p>"Maddie, I understand-"</p><p>Maddie felt her hackles rising. "No, you don't." She took a deep breath. "You have no idea what it's like to look someone you love in the eyes and lie to them."</p><p>"Of course I do!" Her mother exclaimed. "I had to lie to Evan, too."</p><p>"Don't," she bit out. "Don't pretend that you love him. Don't pretend that you care."</p><p>"Madeline, you watch your words! We love your brother."</p><p>Maddie laughed incredulously. "Well, you sure had a funny way of showing it."</p><p>"I'm hanging up now. Feel free to call when you come to your senses." </p><p>Her mother hung up, and Maddie collapsed onto the floor by the counter. </p><p>She stayed there, crying, for a long time.</p><p>.</p><p>
  <em>When Maddie was thirteen, and her brother was four, on a snow day that resulted in them both staying cooped up at home, Evan begged her to play hide and seek. She indulged him, even though the game bored her to tears, and despite the fact that it took Evan a long time to tire of the game, because she adored her little brother too much to disappoint him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She had looked for him in all the hiding places she knew, and hadn't found him, and just when she was starting to get impatient, she realized that he might have gone to hide in their dad's office.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"-I can't do this anymore, Phillip!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She froze. Her mother was crying. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Margaret-"</em>
</p><p><em>"I- I can't look at him. I </em>hate<em> that little boy, but I don't want to, okay? I don't want to hate him."</em></p><p>
  <em>Who was she talking about? She couldn't possibly mean Evan, right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Listen, you're just stressed, okay? You don't hate Evan, you're just tired."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Every time I look at him, I see her. She died because of him; my sister died because of him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie put a hand on her mouth, and she felt tears prickling beneath her closed eyelids. How could a mother hate her own child? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's a child," her father told her mother, but it wasn't a rebuke. It was halfhearted, and it seemed like he was just going through the motions. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know! Which is why we need to send him away!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You know we can't."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I want to send him away, Phillip. We tried, but I can't do it anymore. Evan- We'll find a good family for him, and-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie heard a rustle, and when she looked down, she found Evan crawling out of one of the cabinets that were outside the office. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He was crying. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't want go away, Maddie!" He cried, and she threw herself to the ground in front of him and pulled him into her arms tightly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The door to the office opened, and Maddie glared up at her parents, daring them to say a word.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She kept her eyes on her mother as she said her next words;</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You won't, Evan. You're going to stay right here with me. I promise."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That night, and every night after it for the good part of a year, Maddie glued herself to Evan's side. She went so far as to have him sleep in her bed, terrified at the thought of her parents taking him away in the night.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie thought about, and analyzed, the past four years of their lives to the point of obsession, and the things she came up with did not paint a pretty picture. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie had known from the get go that Evan wasn't her brother, not by blood anyway, and that was thanks to her best friend Helen who had told her that "Evan can't be your brother! He didn't come out of you mamma's belly," and when she had asked her mother about that, her face had turned an interesting shade of purple and she'd offered no explanation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And now it was four years later, and her mother still offered no explanation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But nothing changed in how they treated Maddie and Evan.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie could count on one hand the amount of times she'd seen her mother hug, or kiss Evan and still have fingers to spare. She barely spoke to him, and when she did, she was always distant. Now, they weren't much different with Maddie, but there was a certain warmth in their interactions with her that weren't there when it came to Evan. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The older she got, the more Maddie understood that her mother and father simply, horribly, seemed unable to love him. It had made her sad at first, but then the sadness shifted to anger, which caused explosive fights, and now there was this divide between them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her brother stirred beside her and she dodged a knee to the side expertly. She pulled him into her arms and felt him settle immediately. She felt the burn of tears and closed her eyes to keep them from spilling out. She kissed his head and was rewarded with a deep sigh. She lost the fight against the tears.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Right then, Maddie Buckley made a promise to herself and to her baby brother; she was going to keep him safe from anyone and anything that would hurt him, she was going to hug him more and keep him close.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And she was going to find out what her parents were hiding about him and keep him safe from that too.</em>
</p><p>.</p><p>"Hey, are you okay?"</p><p>Buck looked up from his phone and found Bobby looking down on him with a look of concern. "I'm fine, Bobby."</p><p>The older man came to sit beside him. "Are you sure?" </p><p>Buck just nodded.</p><p>"You seemed a little distracted today."</p><p>Buck sighed and dropped his head into his hands. "I'm sorry-"</p><p>"Don't be," he assured him. "This isn't about your performance, Buck. I'm just worried about you, wanted to check in."</p><p>Buck smiled. "Thanks, cap," he told him quietly. "My parents are visiting. And we're having dinner tonight."</p><p>"How do you feel about that?" Bobby asked carefully.</p><p>"Confused? I haven't spoken to either of them in years. I get bimonthly email updates on their lives and they get the same, but that's it. And now they want to have dinner? It doesn't make sense. "</p><p>Bobby's expression was sympathetic.  "I'm sorry, kid."</p><p>"Don't be. I'm used it."</p><p>Bobby's arm came around him, and Buck found himself leaning into the older man's side almost unconsciously. </p><p>"You shouldn't be. You deserve better, Buck."</p><p>Buck didn't say anything, couldn't. So he just shrugged. "No use crying over spilt milk, right?"</p><p>Bobby sighed and pulled him closer. He didn't say anything, and neither did Buck. They stayed like that until the alarm blared. </p><p>"Hey, Bobby?"</p><p>Bobby, who was a couple of steps ahead of him, looked back at him. "Yeah?"</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>He smiled. "Anytime, kid."</p><p>.</p><p>
  <em>The day before Maddie was supposed to leave for college, she took her nine year old brother out to dinner.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He was unusually quiet the whole time, and his smiles were halfhearted at best. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie had never felt so helpless before.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They took a walk around the neighborhood, and ended up in a park. There were only a couple of teenagers there, so Maddie and Evan took two swings. They swayed silently in their swings, and Maddie looked up at the sky, and smiled when he did the same.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You know," she broke the silence. "I'm not gonna be gone for long. I'll visit a lot. I'll take you with me to show you where I'm studying and where I'm living."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's not the same," Evan mumbled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her heart broke for him. "I know, honey, but- can you look at me, Evan?" She asked gently. When his eyes met hers, she smiled. "I need to go away, just for now. You remember how I told you I want to help people?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He nodded. "Yeah."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, I have to study to be able to do that. And so I have to go away, just for a little while at a time."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Evan sniffled as he continued to swing, but then he put on a brave face and smiled, and she was reminded of how much she loved the kid, and how much she hated leaving him with their parents, and how scared she was of him losing that light he had inside of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That night, Evan slept in her room, and when his small shoulders started shaking with silent sobs, she turned around, put her arms around him, and didn't say a word.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She wasn't sure there was anything she could say to help this time.</em>
</p><p>.</p><p>Dinner with their parents was awkwardly formal, and uncomfortable. Maddie was a nervous wreck, but kept a smile plastered on her face. Chimney seemed to be following her lead, and Albert just seemed confused.</p><p>Buck didn't blame him. </p><p>This dinner felt more like a business transaction than a family dinner. </p><p>After they finished their meals, they moved to the living room and Alebert excused himself after five minutes of awkward silence. Buck was actually jealous of him. </p><p>It took another five minutes for the interrogation to start, and they started with Maddie. Buck expected his sister to push back, to say something along the lines of how their mother should be the last person to ever give advice on parenting, but she just seemed to fold in on herself. Buck could see her cheerful facade slipping slowly, and when he saw put her hands on her belly, something she started to do a lot when she was anxious or uncomfortable, he knew he had to divert their attention.</p><p>"Mom, dad, how's work?"</p><p>"Same as always," his mother answered. "And you, Evan?"</p><p>He smiled. "It's great! I love this job."</p><p>His mother hummed and his father shook his head before he fixed Evan with a slightly condescending look. "You've been seeing a therapist?"</p><p>Buck nearly chocked on the wine he'd just sipped. "Yeah, you know, my job can be stressful."</p><p>"I don't understand why you had to choose this as a career. Does it even pay well?" His father asked as he leaned back in his chair. </p><p>"Well enough," Buck bit out. </p><p>His mother put a hand on his father's thigh. "We just don't understand why you had to choose such a dangerous job."</p><p>Buck raised an eyebrow and laughed incredulously. "Are you serious? You're picking now to be concerned about me?" </p><p>His father shook his head, then looked to his mother. "This is pointless," he muttered, "we shouldn't have come."</p><p>Buck put his elbows on his knees and leaned forward in his seat. "Why <em>did</em> you come?" </p><p>"Evan!" His mother protested.</p><p>He looked at them both. "No, seriously, why are you here? Why <em>now</em>?"</p><p>"We just wanted to see you and your sister," his mom answered, eyes not meeting his. </p><p>"Bulshit," he called her out, "I can't speak for Maddie, but I can count on one hand the amount of times we've seen each other in the past ten years. And that was always <em>me</em> visiting <em>you</em>."</p><p>His father, cool as ever, only sipped his wine. </p><p>His mother seemed to ignore his words, too. "Time for dessert?"</p><p>Buck laughed and shook his head. Maddie extended her hand and they linked their pinkies together. He looked over at his big sister and smiled reassuringly.</p><p>When his mother got up to bring the dessert, Maddie went to help her, and Buck headed for the bathroom. He sat heavily on the edge of the bathtub and gave himself until the count of ten to bring his feelings under control. His phone vibrated against his thigh, and he fished it out to find a text from Eddie.</p><p>It was a video of Christopher celebrating what Buck assumed was a win. The caption said, <em>he really does cheat. </em></p><p>Buck laughed quietly, and his heart lurched as he was hit with the desire to be there with them. </p><p>
  <em><strong>E:</strong> How's dinner?</em>
</p><p>Buck hesitated, but then decided to tell him the truth.</p><p>
  <em><strong>B: </strong>I'm contemplating jumping out the bathroom window.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>E:</strong>That bad?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>B:</strong>Oh yeah.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>E:</strong>Come over after.</em>
</p><p>Buck closed his eyes.</p><p><em><strong>B: </strong>Might not be good company</em>.</p><p>
  <em><strong>E: </strong>Come over anyway.</em>
</p><p>He smiled, then blew out a breath and and left the saftey of the bathroom. </p><p>He steered clear of the living room, and opted to offer his help to Maddie in the kitchen, sure that his mother had left her alone.</p><p>"-you shouldn't have kept this from him," Maddie hissed. Buck backed away from the doorway but stayed close. He shouldn't eavesdrop, but Maddie had been acting strange  the past week, Chimney too, and it obviously had something to do with Buck. Maybe this was his chance to find out what it all was about.</p><p>"Need I remind you that it was your idea to keep it quiet?" His mom countered.</p><p>"<em>Because I was afraid he would hurt himself again.</em>"</p><p>
  <em>Hurt himself again?</em>
</p><p>.</p><p>
  <em>When he was seventeen years old, Buck got into a car accident.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie hadn't been home, so she didn't know anything about the it except what her parents told her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That is to say, nothing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why would he take the car? And in the middle of the night?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Madeline, please, now is not the time," her father told her tiredly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Now is exactly the time!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her mother glared at her for raising her vice, while her father merely leaned forward in his seat, his eyes locked with Maddie's, and they were cold.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She resisted the urge to lean back, and just raised an eyebrow at them both.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Your brother nearly got someone killed tonight. The doctors aren't even sure the man will walk ever again. He made a mess, one that I will have to clean up. That is all you need to know." With that, he got up and left.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie's anger at his dismissal, at his complete lack of care for her brother, nearly suffocated her, but she pushed it down as best as she could and turned her attention to her mother. "What aren't you telling me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Maddie, please, enough."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're hiding something-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yes, we were!" Her mom snapped, turning in her seat and glaring at Maddie. "Your brother found out, he took the car, and wrapped it around a tree, hurting an innocent person in the process."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie's hand flew up to her mouth, horror and sorrow filling her and making it hard to breathe. "You told him? You promised me that I would be there when you did!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We didn't tell him, Maddie." Her mother scrubbed a hand down her face, and Maddie felt reluctantly sympathetic. "He found your aunt Sarah's last letter, and his original birth certificate and he confronted us. I didn't handle it well."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Tell me you didn't-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I told him that he killed her," she interrupted her. There was guilt there, sure, but it was overshadowed by the numbness. </em>
</p><p>It made Maddie even more angry, and she hadn't though that was possible.</p><p>
  <em>"Damn it, Mom! He was 3 months old when she died, when she killed herself," she knew she shouldn't have said the words, and she felt guilty when her mother bent forward and let out a sob. "He may not be your son, but he's your nephew. And he loves you and dad so much. But you- how can you hate that little boy when he's- he is so good, mom. He's kind, and gentle-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He reminds me of her," her mother sobbed. "God help me, but he looks just like her, and he smiles just like her and every time I look at him, I see her."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You have to do better. He doesn't deserve this."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her mother stopped crying, and when she looked at her, her stare was empty. "I don't think I can."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why not?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You know the first thing I felt when I heard about the accident?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie didn't want to ask, but she did. "What?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Relief. I was relieved," her mother answered. She shook her head. "There's no fixing this, Maddie. I've been trying for the past seventeen years."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie stood up and found herself unable to look at her mother. Maybe she never would be able to. "You've never tried, mom. And you know what? It's your loss."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It took three hours, but then they were allowed to see him. Maddie jumped at the chance, and her parents didn't even attempt to argue. When she went in, the first thing she noticed was the bandage wrapped around his head, and the one peaking out from under the gown. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie sat on a chair beside the bed and pulled his hand close to her chest. With her free hand, she stroked his cheek. He didn't lean into her touch like he always did, and she found herself unable to stop the flow of tears. "Why did you do this, Evan? Why would you-" she couldn't bring herself to say it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maddie had known the whole truth about Evan for ten years now, and not a single day passed without her wanting to tell him. What had always stopped her was not fear of her parents, but fear for Evan. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>From a young age, he'd been ignored by their parents, and though they'd done the same to her, Maddie knew it affected Evan on a whole new level. Evan craved affection, and touch, and their parents weren't exactly the warmest people around. If she'd told him he wasn't theirs? It would have destroyed him, it would have hurt him more than he was hurting now, and that was saying something.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He didn't wake up that day, so at the doctor's, and the nurses' insistence, she went home. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She didn't speak to her parents, instead she made a beeline not to her room, but to Evans'. She didn't want to snoop too much, so she didn't open his computer, but she did look carefully at the books he had in his room. It surprised her a bit. She knew he loved to read, but the collection he had was substantial, and it seemed like there was no set genre. There was history, politics, fiction, even romance, and she made a mental note to tease him about the notebook. She sat on his bed and looked around the room, trying to hold back tears. Was he lonely? Was he still having trouble making friends? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Had he tried to kill himself? Or had he simply lost control of the car?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her eyes slammed shut and she got up and started to pace. She wasn't paying attention to where she was walking when her hip hit the desk, and she cursed, rubbing at the sore spot. She caught the chair before it toppled to the ground, and that was when she saw them. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Two pieces of paper, folded neatly, one white and pristine, the other yellowed and frayed. </em>
</p><p><em>The newer one was addressed to her, </em>Maddie<em> written in Evan's messy handwriting. </em></p><p>
  <em>Her heart dropped to her toes and her legs nearly collapsed under her. She sat down in the chair and, with shaking hands, she unfolded the paper.</em>
</p><p>Maddie,</p><p>I'm not sure why I'm writing this when I know I won't send it, but-</p><p>Here's the thing, I just found out that my parents aren't really my parents, and that you aren't really my sister. And I'm angry, Mads. I'm so angry. But it makes sense doesn't it? At least to me it does. In a twisted way, I'm relieved. I finally know why they don't love me. I finally know why my mom can't look me in the eye, and why my dad just doesn't seem to care.</p><p>
  <strike>I- I just called them mom and dad.</strike>
</p><p>You were the best part about my childhood, you know. You were the one thing that always kept me going. </p><p>When mom and dad didn't pay attention, you did. When mom and dad didn't love me enough, you did. When mom and dad hurt me, you didn't. When mom and dad didn't come to my plays, or my games, or my graduations, you did.</p><p>And it made it all the difference in the world.</p><p>But now, knowing what I know, it makes me wonder, did you know, Maddie? Is that why you did all you did for me? Misplaced guilt? Pity? </p><p>
  <strike>I never doubted your love for me, but now-</strike>
</p><p>I love you. I don't think I say it enough, but I love you. And I need you. </p><p>God, Maddie I need you so much right now.</p><p>
  <em>Her tears fell steadily as she read the words he'd written, and her heart ached for her little brother, who had been hurt so many times in his life. She sniffled and held the note to her chest as she rocked back and forth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She took the second piece of paper, the one she guessed was her aunt's suicide note, and read it.</em>
</p><p>Margaret,</p><p>I'm sorry that this will hurt you. You have no idea how sorry I am. But I'm tired. I'm just tired of everything.</p><p>I'm supposed to take care of this kid, but he's not letting me. He keeps crying. It's been three months now, and it didn't get better. It kept getting worse. Last night, while I was giving him a bath, I had a thought to just leave him there.</p><p>That was when I knew I had to do this. I can't hurt my baby. </p><p>I won't hurt my baby.</p><p>I want to sleep. I want to be alone. </p><p>I hope you'll understand,</p><p>Sarah</p><p>
  <em>It was like a bucket full of ice water was dumped on her head, and Maddie tried to calm herself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But it was no use.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This had been her brother's introduction to his birth mother; her suicide note. And after that, after writing that letter to Maddie, he'd confronted their parents and had been told that he'd killed his mother.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No wonder he had-</em>
</p><p><em>She shook her head to dispel the thought, and had the desperate, urgent need to see her brother. So, she'd dried her tears,</em> <em> put on her coat, took the car keys and headed for the hospital, the letters heavy in her pocket. </em></p><p>
  <em>She didn't how she managed it, but she convinced the nurses to let her into Evan's room. She only hesitated at the door, and was unable to make herself enter. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Maddie?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His voice was quiet, hoarse, but she heard him anyway and all her hesitation went out the window as she rushed to his side. "Evan, hey!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her hand settled on the top of his head, and she played with the hair peaking out from under the bandage. He cleared his throat, but ended up coughing, and she hurriedly grabbed the water cup that was on the bedside table and helped him sip water slowly. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled gratefully and she smiled back. "How are you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shrugged. "Okay? I'm a little confused, though." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She dragged a chair closer, sat down and took his hand. "What do you mean?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't remember much about what happened, and no one will tell me anything."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her heart in her throat, Maddie hesitantly asked, "what do you mean?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't- it's all foggy. Mom and dad were here for like three minutes and they barely said two words, just that I was in an accident?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Stunned, Maddie stared at him. Did that mean he didn't remember? Did it mean that he could be spared the heartbreak of this whole mess? She didn't dare to hope. "You mean you don't remember why you took the car?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, nothing. I don't even remember what day it is. Doc said it's concussion, and that this is normal after an accident. "</em>
</p><p>Or your brain is trying to protect you. </p><p>
  <em>Maddie's shoulders relaxed and she smiled. "Hmm, I always thought you had a thick head. Guess I'm wrong."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He rolled his eyes, but then he sobered up and squeezed her hand. "Thanks, Maddie."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her brows knit together in confusion. "For what?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"For being here. I know you're pretty busy, so-" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Let me stop you right there." His eyes widened at her tone, serious with a hint of anger. "I will always come for you. Whenever you need me, I'm there. That will never change no matter what. I'm sorry if I ever did something to make you think otherwise."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Maddie, you haven't! Hey, why are you crying?" He lifted up his hand and brushed away a tear. "I'm fine! My doctor said I'll be out of here by tomorrow night. I'm okay, Mads."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I love you, you know that right?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I do."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And if you ever need me, you know I will always come for you, right?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Promise me, if you're ever hurt, or in pain, if you ever need me, that you'll call."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Evan frowned. "Maddie, what's-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Promise me," she insisted.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I promise."</em>
</p><p>.</p><p>"Mom, you need to tell him. Because I can't. I've tried but-"</p><p>"Tell me what, Maddie?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. II.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for giving this a chance! </p><p>Happy Reading! 🖤</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Maddie's heart dropped to her feet and she turned around to find her brother in the doorway. His eyes were filled with tears, and the look on his face was a combination of hurt and anger.</p><p>Her mother stayed silent.</p><p>"Evan-"</p><p>"You've been acting weird lately. Ever since I told you about the therapist, and now <em>this</em>?"</p><p>Maddie wrapped her arms around her belly and tried to keep the tears at bay. "Buck, please-"</p><p>"And you," he turned on his mother. "Since when do you care about either of us enough to come here?"</p><p>"Evan-"</p><p>"It's been over a year since the last time I saw you! Why are you here <em>now</em>?"</p><p>Both Maddie and  Margaret stayed silent.</p><p>Buck clenched his fists, and Maddie had never seen him so angry. "Tell me."</p><p>Maddie took a step towards him. "Buck, I-"</p><p><em>"Tell me</em>," he shouted, and at this point she wasn't sure if he was addressing her or their mother. Once he realised what he'd done, and once he saw Maddie flinch, her brother took a step back, guilt taking over his expression. "I'm sorry," Buck whispered. </p><p>Maddie moved closer. "It's ok-"</p><p>"What is going on here?" Chimney said from behind Buck. He wasn't alone, both her dad and Albert flanking him, and all of them were fixing Buck with dirty looks.</p><p>Maddie scrubbed a hand down her face, and not for the first time, cursed her parents for letting her deal with this on her own. </p><p>Buck's eyes didn't stray from hers, and they were somehow both apologetic and furious. "I'm leaving."</p><p>Maddie's lips trembled. "Buck, please wait," she pleaded with him, then turned to her parents. "Say something!"</p><p>Her parents exchanged a look, and her mom opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, Buck shouldered past them and in a flurry of movements, gathered his things. Maddie watched, with Chimney's arms around her and tears falling down her face silently, as he didn't once look at her.</p><p>When he left, he closed the door silently. It was somehow worse than if he'd slammed it shut.</p><p>Everyone turned to her, but she just buried her face in Chimney's neck. "He hates me," she sobbed. </p><p>"He doesn't," her boyfriend assured her, arms tightening around her. "He loves you. He's just frustrated, because he knows you're hiding something from him, and you're not talking. None of you are talking."</p><p>Her parents left soon after, saying something about talking to Buck, but nothing registered with Maddie. All she could think of was this:</p><p>
  <em>She'd just lost her brother. And he was never going to trust her again.</em>
</p><p>She tried to call him, again and again, but her brother, predictably, didn't answer.</p><p>So she left him a voicemail.</p><p>"Evan, I'm so sorry for this. I know- I know I hurt you, but I never wanted that. You have to believe me, please." She let out a sob. "Please, please answer me. I'll tell you everything, just please come back."</p><p>.</p><p>Eddie had worried all night about Buck, and when he saw him the next day, he realized that his worry had been valid.</p><p>Buck came in with a scowl on his face and nearly bit anyone's head off if they tried to talk to him. Eddie was surprised, because this was a side of Buck he'd never seen before. Sure, he'd seen him angry, but never to <em>this</em> extent. It only took people a few hours to start avoiding him, giving him a wide berth, and tiptoeing around him, mostly because they, like Eddie, didn't seem to know how to deal with this Buck- angry, silent and closed off. Whatever was going with Buck, it didn't seem to affect his work.</p><p>Eddie started to suspect that whatever was going on, Chimney was involved somehow, when the two of them avoided each other like the plague. But as the hours went by, things seemed to escalate.</p><p>After the last call, Eddie had felt a desperate need for coffee, and so he'd taken the stairs up to the break room, only to catch Chimney and Buck in a heated argument. Eddie was thankful the counter was between them, because Buck looked <em>pissed</em>.  </p><p>"Buck," Chimney snapped. "You can't ignore us forever." </p><p>Buck stalked over to Chimney and towered over him,  glaring so intently that Eddie himself felt the need to stand in between them, even though he knew Buck would never lay a hand on the older man. </p><p>"Back the hell off, Chim," Buck said through gritted teeth.</p><p>"She's a mess, Buck. At least hear-"</p><p>"I don't care. <em>Drop</em> it."</p><p>"It's not an easy thing to say, Buck! You have to cut her some slack!"</p><p>Eddie watched him turn to Chimney and whatever he was going to say seemed to die on his lips. He stared a little bit, then scoffed. "You know. She told you."</p><p>Chimney immediately backtracked. </p><p>Buck advanced on him. "Tell me."</p><p>"I can't do that. You need to talk to your sister."</p><p>"<em>Tell me</em>."</p><p>Eddie had been about to intervene when there was a whistle from the doorway.  Eddie winced and put a hand to his ear. Damn, but the captain's whistle was <em>loud</em>. They all looked to the door and saw their captain fixing them with stern looks. "Cool it, and get back to work."</p><p>Buck disappeared after that.</p><p>He looked for him everywhere and finally found him in the gum, beating the crap out of a punching bag. There was a fire in his eyes that Eddie had never seen before, the kind of anger that was as dangerous as it was alluring.  </p><p>Eddie didn't say a word, just leaned against the wall and resolved to wait him out. Surprisingly, this didn't work. Buck stayed silent, the only sound in the open space was the sound of his gloves hitting the punching bag. </p><p>"Are you gonna talk about it?"</p><p>Buck ignored him, though his punched did falter a bit before going back to the same rythm.</p><p>"Buck, come on, talk to me."</p><p><em>Nothing</em>.</p><p>"Buck-"</p><p>"What?! What do you want me to say, Eddie?!"</p><p>Eddie remained calm. "You could start by telling me why you're so pissed."</p><p>"Fine." He removed the tape on the gloves with his teeth, and Eddie tried his best not to let that distract him, then threw the gloves to the ground. "Maddie's hiding something from me. My parents are obviously in on it, and apparently Chimney knows about it. But I'm in the dark."</p><p>Eddie frowned. "Are you sure it's about you?"</p><p>"I overheard them talking about it, so yeah, I'm sure. And-"</p><p>"And what?" Eddie proded gently.</p><p>Buck suddenly laughed. "I should have known something was wrong the minute my mom called."</p><p>Eddie's eyebrow shot up. "You lost me."</p><p>"My mom doesn't <em>call</em>, Eddie. She emails, she texts, but she doesn't call. I haven't spoken to her in- I don't even know when I last talked to her, and then all of a sudden,  she called me twice just this last week."</p><p>Eddie's heart broke for him. It was really messed up that Buck thought something was wrong when his mother <em>called</em> him. </p><p>Buck scrubbed a hand down his face, and it seemed like he was at the end of his rope. Eddie made a move to touch him, but withdrew his hand at the last second. Buck didn't notice.</p><p>"It's bad, Eddie. I can feel it. Part of me doesn't want to know." He shook his head. "I think that's why I'm avoiding Maddie and my parents."</p><p>Eddie threw caution to the wind and stepped closer and put both his hands on Buck's shoulders. His shoulders relaxed and dropped, and Eddie sighed in relief, glad he could do something to help.</p><p>Buck opened his eyes, and Eddie saw a world of hurt reflected in them.</p><p>It made his heart ache.</p><p>"She's the only person I can trust in my family, and she's- she's been going behind my back, keeping things from me."</p><p>Eddie used his grip on him to bring him closer, and wrapped him in tight hug. Buck didn't resist, and Eddie felt him tuck his face in the hollow of his neck. When he felt dampness on his skin, he tightened his arms around Buck and let him hide in his embrace. "It's gonna be okay, Buck."</p><p>Buck shook his head, not making a move to remove himself from Eddie's arms. "It doesn't feel like it."</p><p>Eddie gently pushed him away, but made sure to keep him close. "Don't bite my head off, but-"</p><p>"You think I should talk to Maddie."</p><p>Eddie nodded. "She loves you, a lot. I think whatever it is she's hiding, it's to protect you."</p><p>Buck nodded. "I'll talk to her tonight." </p><p>"That's good. And if you need me, after, you have a key," he reminded him. </p><p>Buck looked down and smiled shyly, and it took all of Eddie's willpower not to melt. </p><p>"Thanks, Eddie."</p><p>.</p><p>It was 5 am when there was a quiet knock on their door, and the only reason she heard it was because she was sitting on the couch and staring at the wall and trying to figure out a way to get herself out of the mess she'd gotten herself into.</p><p>At first, she thought she was hearing things, but then she looked down at her phone and noticed a text from Buck.</p><p>
  <em>I'm at the door</em>
</p><p>Maddie couldn't get to the door fast enough. </p><p>"Evan!" </p><p>She pulled him into her arms, but quickly pulled back when his arms stayed limb by his side. She pulled her cardigan tighter around her frame, and opened the door wider, stepping to the side to let him in. She followed him in, trying not to cry as she noticed that he wouldn't even look her in the eye. </p><p>"Evan-"</p><p>"You said you'd tell me everything."</p><p>"I will."</p><p>He raised an eyebrow. "So, talk."</p><p>"I don't know where to start. I- when you told me about the therapy, I thought you were starting to remember. "</p><p>"Remember what?" </p><p>"Have you ever-" she cut herself off, then tried again. She took a breath. "Has mom ever mentioned aunt Sarah?"</p><p>Buck frowned. "No? What does that have to do with-"</p><p>"Buck, this isn't exactly easy for me, okay? So just- please, work with me here."</p><p>Buck swallowed thickly and his eyes softened. He took her hand in his and held it gently. Her lips trembled, but she forced herself to ignore the urge to cry and squeezed his hand. "Aunt Sarah struggled with depression for a really long time, ever since she was a teenager. She got help, and mom said she was doing great for a while. When she was 24, she got married and- she got pregnant at 27. Mom said she was really happy, but then two months into the pregnancy, her husband died in a car accident, and she was devastated and nothing helped. It was a difficult pregnancy on her, and after she gave birth, the doctors diagnosed her with Postpartum depression. She-" Maddie needed to take a breath here, needed to collect her thoughts. When she chanced a look at him, there was a sadness in his eyes that she marveled at. This was virtually a stranger they were talking about, yet Buck looked heartbroken for her. She wondered how he would feel after he found out exactly who Sarah was to him.</p><p>"Why have I never met her?"</p><p>Maddie's breath left her in a rush, and she put her face in her hands. "She- Buck, she died. She killed herself," she whispered.</p><p>Buck leaned back, stunned. "Jesus." He squeezed her hand again, and she could tell he was getting restless and impatient.</p><p>"Evan-"</p><p>"What happened to her kid?" He asked like she'd hoped, and <em>expected</em>, he would.</p><p>"Mom and dad took him in," she whispered, and watched the truth dawn on him. </p><p>"<em>No</em>."</p><p>Her eyes filled with tears. "Buck-"</p><p>"I'm not- I'm not <em>your</em>-" his breath stuttered, and Maddie immediately scooted closer. "Maddie?-"</p><p>She framed his face in both of her hands and did her best to keep it together. "Breathe," she told him calmly. "Come on, little brother, breathe. Long breaths."</p><p>He gasped in a breath, but he was still breathing way too fast. She stroked his face gently. "Alright, alright, breathe; one, two, three, four. Hold it," when he couldn't, she just repeated the mantra until he was finally able to breathe a little better. "It's a lot to take in, I know. But, I want you to remember one thing, Buck. Are you listening?" At his tiny nod, Msddie bent her head down and caught his eye. "You are my little brother. Nothing can ever change that. Ever." </p><p>"I gotta go."</p><p>"Buck, no-"</p><p>"I can't- I can't stay here, Maddie. I need to go."</p><p>She ran ahead of him and blocked the door. "I can't let you leave when you're like this. Please, just- let me drive you home. Or let me call someone to come take you."</p><p>"<em>Move</em>, Maddie, <em>please</em>." </p><p>"No, the last time you drove when you were this upset, you-"</p><p>This seemed to cut through the haze, and his brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"</p><p>She swallowed and let her head fall back against the door. </p><p>"Maddie?"</p><p>"Will you please stay here tonight? I'll tell you everything, and the second you ask for space, I'll give it to you. Just please, don't leave like this."</p><p>Maddie held onto his hand for dear life, and when he nodded, she used her grip on him to move him back to the couch. </p><p>"I knew from the start that you, biologically, weren't my brother." He made a sound akin to that of a wounded animal. "But you are <em>my brother</em> in every way that counts, Evan. I loved you the minute I saw you, and I have never stopped. <em>Believe that.</em>"</p><p>"Why didn't you tell me?"</p><p>"When you were four, we overheard them talking, and you thought they were sending you away. The way you looked at me then, that pain, I- everytime I came close to telling you, it didn't matter if you were ten, or fifteen, or seventeen, or twenty-eight, I always saw that little boy, who looked at me with his big blue eyes and expected me to protect him."</p><p>By this point, both of them were crying freely, each of them clinging to the other's hand.</p><p>"I made them tell me everything when I was sixteen, but mom and dad didn't want me to tell you because you were so young. I said I'd keep it quiet until you were eighteen, and then, if they didn't tell you, I would." </p><p>Buck took a breath and closed his eyes. "So what changed?"</p><p>"When you were seventeen, you- you found Sarah's suicide note and your original birth certificate in mom's drawer while you were looking for some money and you," she hugged herself with her free hand. "You freaked out, mom and dad said you wanted to know everything, but they were shocked, and said some things they didn't mean, and it made things worse, so you took the car keys and left."</p><p>Buck shook his head. "I don't-"</p><p>"You don't remember," Maddie finished for him. "You were in an- we're not sure- we weren't sure if you'd just lost control of the car, or if you did it on purpose,  but an hour after you left the house, mom and dad got a call that you were in an accident."</p><p>"Oh, God." He put his head in his hands. "Was anyone else hurt?" Buck choked out. </p><p>When she didn't answer, he looked up, and she saw the horror in his eyes. "Maddie? Please tell me I didn't-"</p><p>Maddie just nodded.</p><p>"Oh, God," Buck collapsed forward, like a puppet with its strings cut, and Maddie heard an awful keening sound that sent chills down her spine. </p><p>"But he's okay now," she hurried to inform him, though she was sure it wouldn't matter to Buck. "Dad took care of all his medical bills, and I kept tabs on him until I was sure he was okay. It was an accident, Buck, it wasn't your fault."</p><p>"I did it!" He sat up, eyes full of guilt and hurt. "I almost killed someone and I don't even remember it, Maddie."</p><p>"It was an accident."</p><p>"Why can't I remember," he asked desperately.</p><p>"I asked a psychiatrist I worked with at the hospital, and he said it was normal that you don't remember what happened after the accident. That you could work on getting the memories back. But- I wasn't sure you should, Buck. I was terrified that you did it on purpose, and I was terrified that you would try again."</p><p>His face crumbled, and she didn't hesitate before she pulled him into her arms. She stroked his hair, his back and cried with him. "All I ever wanted was to protect you, Evan."</p><p>"Maddie," he sobbed and she tightened her arms around him. </p><p>"I'm here. I'm here, little brother."</p><p>He cried for a long time, and when he stopped, he kept his face hidden in her chest. She heard a rustle, and when she looked up, she found Chimney looking at them, eyes filled with sadness, and his lips pursed. He stepped towards them and pressed a kiss to the top of her head and smoothed a hand down the back of Buck's head. </p><p>"I think he's asleep," she told her boyfriend when her brother didn't react to his touch. </p><p>Chimney nodded. "Yeah. Let him. Come on, let's get you to bed." </p><p>Maddie immediately shook her head. "No. I'm staying right here with him." </p><p>"Maddie-"</p><p>"Howie, <em>no</em>. I'm not leaving him."</p><p>Chimney sighed. "Alright. You want some coffee?"</p><p>She faked a scandalized expression and gasped quietly. "You, Howie Han, are offering me a coffee? Someone, <em>alert the media!</em>"</p><p>He rolled his eyes and slipped into the kitchen. Maddie grabbed the pillow she'd discarded earlier and put it in her lap, then slowly pushed her brother's head down. It was a bit awkward since there was so little space, but she made it work. By the time Chimney was done with their coffee, she was halfway to falling asleep herself. </p><p>"You're exhausted. Please, just come to bed."</p><p>"What if he wakes up and he's all alone?"</p><p>"I'll stay right here, okay?"</p><p>She thought about it, was even tempted to agree, but shook her head in the end. "You go ahead. There's no point in both of us losing sleep."</p><p>"I can stay with you," he offered. "I'll have to get up in an hour anyway."</p><p>"One more hour of sleep will do you some good, then."</p><p>He seemed to understand that she wanted space, so he reluctuntly got up. "Are you sure?"</p><p>She smiled. "I am."</p><p>Chimney smiled back. "I love you."</p><p>Hear heart skipped a beat, like it always did when she heard him say those words. "Good night."</p><p>"Good night."</p><p>Maddie put her hand on his head and started running it through his soft hair. She smiled slightly as she remembered the countless times he'd fallen asleep like this during their movie nights, even when he got older and kids his age had entered the 'too cool for hugs and kisses', Buck never changed. </p><p>His phone rang, and it was loud in the silent room. She scrambled to get it out, and cursed when Buck stirred and opened his eyes. She silenced the phone immediately and stroked his hair, telling him gently to go back to sleep. To her surprise, he did. He must have been exhausted. She took a look at the phone, and saw it was Eddie just as the screen turned dark and the call disconnected. </p><p>Seconds later, the screen lit up again with Eddie's name and a picture of him and Christopher beaming at the camera. She smiled and swiped to answer the call. "Hey, Eddie."</p><p>"<em>Maddie? Why are you answering-"</em> he cut himself off abruptly. "<em>Is Buck okay?"</em> </p><p>She smiled at the obvious concern. "He's sleeping."</p><p>"<em>He said he might not come in today?</em>"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>"<em>Well, is he okay? Are </em>you<em> okay?</em>"</p><p>She closed her eyes. "As long as Evan's okay, then I'm okay." </p><p>"<em>Is he? Okay, I mean?</em>"</p><p>Maddie looked down at her brother as she considered her response. "I think he will be."</p><p>"<em>Is there something I can do</em>?" </p><p>"Are you working today?"</p><p>"<em>Yeah, I am. Shift starts in about two hours</em>."</p><p>She sighed in disappointment. "I thought you might be able to- I don't know, maybe hang out with him, distract him."</p><p><em>"I might not be able to, but I know someone who can," </em>she could hear the smile in his words. "<em>Is he at yours?"</em></p><p>"Yeah," she answered. "What-"</p><p>"<em>I'll be there in fifteen</em>."</p><p>Maddie smiled and shook her head. "Okay." </p><p>He hung up without saying goodbye and Maddie laughed softly. She was really glad Buck had people who loved him so much in his life. </p><p>When, fifteen minutes after the call with Eddie, there was a knock on her door, Maddie realized belatedly that she was still trapped in her seat by her brother. She tried to get up without disturbing him, but found that she couldn't, not with her pregnant belly in the way. She shook his shoulder and he was immediately awake. "Maddie?" </p><p>"Hey, Ev-" </p><p>Another knock, and they both looked at the door. She ushered her brother off and went up to the door. </p><p>Eddie smiled at her as soon as the door opened, and she found herself smiling back genuinely. "Come on in, Eddie."</p><p>"Sorry I'm here so early."</p><p>"It's fine, I was going to have to-" she stopped when she realized Eddie had zeroed in on Buck and was not paying attention to her at all. </p><p>"Buck?" Eddie sat at the coffee table.</p><p>"Eddie? What are you doing here?"</p><p>He looked at Maddie and she blinked at him innocently. He rolled his eyes at her, then turned his attention back to his- well, whatever Eddie was to Evan. </p><p>She knew she should give them space, but she needed to see for herself that her brother would be taken care of. She, regretfully, didn't know Eddie all that well, which was something understandable given their jobs. But she knew Eddie was someone very important to Evan, and she wanted to see if Evan was as important to him. </p><p>"I'm okay, Eddie."</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow. "Well, you don't look it."</p><p>Buck rolled his eyes and got up. Eddie did the same and- Buck had said multiple times that Eddie was his best friend, that was it, but this did not look like two best friends looking at each other. Eddie's eyes flickered to Buck's lips then back up again, and Buck slowly moved away. "I'm really okay. You didn't have to come all the way here for this-"</p><p>It was Eddie's turn to roll his eyes, and she watched him follow after Buck as her brother looked for something- probably his phone, which was in the pocket of Maddie's cardigan. </p><p>"I came because I'm worried about you. You said you'd come yesterday, but you didn't and you didn't answer my calls, or my texts. Then you send me a vauge ass text that says you weren't coming into work with <em>no</em> explanation. Did something happen with your parents?"</p><p>"Eddie, drop it."</p><p>"Fine," he snapped. "But you're coming with me."</p><p>"Eddie-"</p><p>"Christopher misses you."</p><p>Buck scoffed. "Yeah, right."</p><p>Eddie stopped him with a hand on each shoulder and looked him in the eye. "He does, I swear. Look, you don't want to talk, I get it, and I won't push, but at least let us be there for you."</p><p>Buck seemed to think about it, then nodded mutely, and Eddie pulled him into a hug. Buck seemed surprised by it, if how long it took for him to hug back was any indication. Eddie murmured something in Buck's ear that caused him to laugh wetly and hide his face in Eddie's neck. </p><p>When Eddie let him go, Buck turned to grab his jacket and followed after Eddie almost automatically. </p><p>Her brother wouldn't look at her, and Eddie seemed to pick up on it. "I'll be in the car." </p><p>When they were alone, she looked down at her hands and tried to think of something to say. She let out a surprised 'oof' when she was pulled into a strong, yet somehow still gentle, hug. "I hate that you hid it from me, hell, I'm pissed, Maddie, but-" he pulled away and wiped away her tears. "I get why you did it. I don't like it, but I get it."</p><p>She buried her face in his chest and let out a sob. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Evan. I wish I could make this easier for you."</p><p>He smiled sadly and shrugged. "You can't. But- I'm going to talk to mo- to- to <em>them</em> tonight, and I'd like it if you were there with me." </p><p>Maddie nodded immediately. "Of course. Yeah, I'll be there."</p><p>"Alright, I'll see you tonight."</p><p>She opened the door for him and leaned against it. "I love you, little brother."</p><p>"Love you too, sis."</p><p>She closed the door and leaned against it. She laughed, while tears were running down her cheeks, and that was how Chimney found her. "Maddie?!"</p><p>She fell into his arms and laughed joyfully. "He doesn't hate me, Howie!" She said through her tears, and she wasn't sure he understood what she was saying. "I told him everything and he doesn't hate me."</p><p>Chimney laughed. "Of course he doesn't." He pulled away and held her at arm's length. "The kid loves you more than anything. And this is Buck we're talking about, I don't think the kid is capable of actually hating anyone."</p><p>Maddie laughed and wiped away her tears. "He's not," she told him fondly.</p><p>"He's gonna be okay."</p><p>"Yeah, he is." </p><p><em>He's in good hands.</em><br/>.</p><p>The car ride to his place is silent, and Eddie wasn't sure how to break it, if he even should. Buck seemed out of it; he'd leaned his head against the window as soon as he'd settled in the seat, and he hadn't moved since. He was staring at nothing, and it seemed like he was miles away.</p><p>Eddie had planned on telling his abuela that Christopher would be staying with Buck while Eddie was at work, because he knew his son would cheer up Buck instantly and because Christopher had been complaining the other day that they weren't spending as much time together- which was not remotely true considering they'd spent the evening together a few days ago. But now, he was having second thoughts about it.</p><p>They got to his house, and Eddie parked. When Buck went to open the door, Eddie grabbed his arm. Buck looked back at him in confusion. </p><p>"If you're not up to it, say the word right now and I'll drive you home."</p><p>Buck sighed. "Eddie-"</p><p>"I wasn't thinking. I just didn't want you to be alone with whatever's going on."</p><p>"I don't <em>want</em> to be alone." Buck rested his head on the headrest and closed his eyes. "I'm just tired."</p><p>"Talk to me."</p><p>Buck turned his head slowly, opened his mouth, then seemed to notice time. "You're gonna be late."</p><p>That wasn't a no. "I've got plenty of time, and even if I am, I can afford to be a few minutes late. Talk to me."</p><p>"My parents aren't really my parents," he blurted out.</p><p>Eddie chocked on his own spit, which wasn't his finest moment. "You- you're <em>adopted</em>?"</p><p>"Yeah- and, Eddie, it's not a happy story." Buck shook his head. "I think I'm <em>cursed</em>."</p><p>It felt as if there was a vice around his heart, and with every word Buck said, it squeezed tighter. He stayed quiet, not sure what to say next, how to make this better for his best friend. "You're not cursed, Buck. Life just sucks."</p><p>This startled a laugh out of Buck, and Eddie felt oddly proud of himself for cheering him up, even if it's for a couple of seconds. "Every time I make progress, every time I feel like I'm moving forward, something happens and I'm back to square one. It's-"</p><p>"Exhausting?"</p><p>Buck sighed. "Yeah."</p><p>"What do you need right now?" </p><p>It took him some time answer, and Eddie took the chance to watch him. Buck seemed tired, and his shoulders were slumped like he had the weight of the world on them. His eyes were red-rimmed, and Eddie suspected he was holding back tears. He had the urge to wrap him up in the warmest blanket and just take him away, away from all the hurt and the pain. But that wasn't something he could do. Hell, he can't even call in sick, because he couldn't afford to lose days, not right now. </p><p>His hands tightened around the steering wheel and he tried to fight off the frustration building up at how helpless he was.</p><p>"I need-" Buck started, and somehow, when he looked at Eddie, the heaviness in his eyes dimmed. "I need you to go to work, so that your impeccable record isn't ruined. And, I want to see Christopher."</p><p>Eddie had to smile at that. It still shocked him just how much Buck seemed to genuinely love his son and enjoy his company.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>Buck smiled softly at him, and Eddie's tretcherous heart skipped a beat. "He makes everything better. You know I love that kid, Eddie."</p><p>Eddie was incredibly proud. "Good, I'm glad. Come on, let's go."</p><p>They exited the car, and Eddie stopped him just before they entered the house. "Abuela is in there. I was going to ask you to look after Chris by yourself, but- I don't want to put too much on you." </p><p>Buck was shaking his head before he even finished. "He's never too much, Eddie."</p><p>Eddie grinned. "Thanks, but still. So you know it's an option."</p><p>"Thanks, man."</p><p>Eddie pulled him into a hug and felt Buck sag into the embrace. Eddie tightened his arms around him, and felt Buck do the same. When he turned his head and buried his nose in Eddie's neck, his warm breaths hit the sensitive skin just under his ear, and Eddie felt a shiver run down his spine. </p><p>Buck pulled away slowly, his cheek dragged against Eddie's and then he felt the feather light touch of Buck's lips against his cheek and it took all of his willpower to stop himself from pinning him against the wall and kissing him senseless right then and there.</p><p>Falling for Buck hadn't been a concious choice for Eddie, it had just sort of happened. And Eddie still wasn't sure if he should ever act on his feelings. The attraction was there, had been there for a while, but for Eddie, it was everything else that concerned him. Buck had slowly wormed his way into Eddie's heart, and into his son's, and had settled there. He was a genuine light in their lives, and he made things better just by existing. Sometimes, just knowing Buck was there for him, in his life, made things easier.</p><p>Which is why he had to be careful. There were so many things they would need to consider before jumping into anything, and that was assuming Buck actually felt the same way. </p><p>There was their job and the fact that they worked on the same team. There was the possibility that things may not work out between them and the consequences that would come with that. And there was also the fact that they couldn't seem to catch a break, ever. </p><p>Eddie knew the best thing to do would right now would be to put his feelings on hold, for however long it took for both of them to reach a point in their lives where they could give a relationship a shot. </p><p>Eddie understood that, and he believed it 100%. </p><p>That didn't mean it was easy. <em>Buck</em> didn't make it easy, that was for sure. </p><p>Buck had leaned back fully and was now just looking at him. Eddie's eyes went to his lips on their own accord, then they snapped up and met Buck's, and Eddie saw the saw the same need he was feeling reflected in Buck's eyes. Buck leaned in, and Eddie found himself leaning in, too, all previous thoughts forgotten. Their lips were a hair apart, and Eddie could feel Buck's breath on his lips. </p><p>And just when he was about to close the distance and seal their lips together, his front door opened and both Christopher and Abuela beamed at them. </p><p>He and Buck sprang apart, and thankfully it seemed that Christopher hadn't noticed what they'd interrupted.</p><p>The same couldn't be said about abuela. </p><p>"Dad! Bucky!"</p><p>"Hey, kid!" Buck greeted him enthusiastically and leaned down to hug him tightly. Eddie ruffled his son's hair and recieved a sunny smile in return.</p><p>Eddie smiled down at them, and when he looked up, he found that his abuela was looking at him knowingly. He ignored it.</p><p>When Buck straightened up and turned to Isabel, she took one look at him and seemed to understand that he wasn't okay and pulled him down into a comforting hug. </p><p>"Thank you," he heard Buck tell her quietly, and wondered what she'd whispered to him.</p><p>They entered the house, and he chuckled when his son all but dragged Buck inside, probably to play. He followed his abuela into the kitchen.</p><p>"Is he okay?" </p><p>Eddie braced his hands on the counter. "Not really, but he's hanging in there. I need to get going, but Abuela-"</p><p>"I'll take care of him, Mijo. Don't worry."</p><p>He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Thank you."</p><p>Isabel patted his cheek and smiled softly. "It's what we do for family, hmm?"</p><p>He blushed, and rolled his eyes, then went to say goodbye to the boys. </p><p>"Alright, I'm headed out, you two."</p><p>They were building a Lego plane, and there was a nearly identical expression of intense concentration on both their faces. </p><p>"Bye, dad," Christopher said distractedly. </p><p>Buck nudged him gently, and it wouldn have been subtle if not for the fact that Eddie had been watching him like a hawk.</p><p>Christopher looked up at him and made to get up, but Eddie crossed the space between them and put a hand oh his shoulder. "Have a good day," his son told him with a smile.</p><p>"You too, bud. And be good for Abuela and Buck, okay?" </p><p>Christopher nodded.</p><p>Eddie, unthinkingly, bent down and placed a kiss on Buck's head too. They both froze.</p><p>"I'll see you tomorrow?" Eddie asked, aiming for casual but failing miserably.</p><p>Buck's ears were red, but he smiled at Eddie and nodded. "Yeah." </p><p>Eddie straightened fully and left the room in a daze. Somehow, he was able to grab his phone and his keys before he went out the door, and he was thankful for at least that.</p><p>"Hey, Eddie!" </p><p>He'd been about to open the car door when he heard Buck's call for him. He saw the younger man jogging towards him and frowned.  "Something wrong?" Eddie asked when Buck was within touching distance. He was rubbing his hands together nervously as he advanced towards him, and Eddie's frown deepened. Eddie's back hit the car door, but Buck didn't stop walking toward him until there was only a hair of space between them. Eddie's heartbeat skyrocketed,  and he licked his lips in anticipation. "Buck-"</p><p>Their lips touched gently, and the kiss was heaven. Buck pulled away way too soon, and Eddie chased his lips. His hands settled on either side of his neck and he kissed him deeply. He was going to be late, they were out on the street, and Eddie didn't like the idea of starting something that he couldn't finish, but he couldn’t help it, knew in his bones that he couldn't spend a second longer not kissing this man. </p><p>Buck pulled away, and Eddie let him, reluctantly. He didn't go far, though, instead pressed his forehead to Eddie's and closed his eyes. Eddie did the same, and enjoyed the closeness. </p><p>"We'll talk about this?" Buck asked hesitantly, sounding nervous.</p><p>"Absolutely."</p><p>"You won't regret it?"</p><p>Eddie pretended to think about it, and laughed when Buck shoved him gently. "I'll admit, the timing isn't the best for either of us, and but-"</p><p>"But?"</p><p>Eddie rested his hands on Buck's shoulders. "But I don't regret it. I can never regret you."</p><p>Buck smiled and Eddie leaned in for a kiss, but Buck backed away and held up a finger. "You're gonna be late."</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes, but then he softened. "Hey, I know you're going through something right now, so if this is too much-"</p><p>Buck shook his head. "It's exactly what I need. It feels like a step forward and I <em>need</em> that right now and- Eddie, you're never going to be too much for me. <em>Ever</em>."</p><p>Eddie let out a breath of relief and grinned at him as he got into the car. "Okay."</p><p>He rolled down his window, and was pleasantly surprised when Buck leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek. "Be safe out there."</p><p>"Always. And you take care of yourself, alright? If you need anything, call me, Buck, I mean it."</p><p>"I know. Thank you."</p><p>He squeezed his hand and couldn't help but pull him down for another kiss or two.</p><p>He ended up being late, but it was definitely worth it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I haven't really delved into Buck's reaction and others' for two reasons a) because I didn't have the time and b) I want to know the secret so that I can write appropriately (and I know I will, because I can tell 4 and 5 are going to hurt in the best way)</p><p>Also, I wasn't going to have Buddie get together, because it's just not realistic right now, but then I remembered how the show was going to put us through the ringer this week and the next and decided to end it with Buddie kisses.</p><p>Hope you like this. Let me know in the comments 🖤</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TWs and Warnings:<br/>Mentions of Suicide, depression (MDD and PPD), character is assumed to have attempted suicide, but this is not discussed. </p><p>I think I've covered them all, but if I've missed anything, please, please let me know.</p><p>The next chapter should be up tomorrow. (🤞🤞🤞)</p><p>I really hope you enjoyed, and I would love to hear what you thought about this 👀</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>